Daria Doering

Christmas 2000

Dear family and friends,
Happy 2001! The year that we chose the leader of the free world on the basis of not inconveniencing anyone by taking a couple of extra days to actually count votes! The year that a group of vote-counters went home to eat their turkey dinner, thus missing the arbitrary recount deadline by 90 minutes! I vacillate between “Let’s put this behind us and pull together,” as Al Gore elaborated on so eloquently, and “I hope George W. can’t make one stinking appearance in the next four years without protesters chanting, ‘Stolen Election!’”
Okay, sorry to offend anyone … As my husband said recently, rather than the Dale Carnegie approach, my autobiography should be called, “How to Alienate Friends and Irritate People.” But back to the holiday spirit … What was your best and worst this year?
We are all well. Our children are all in school for the first time, as Nina started kindergarten. We should have some breathing space compared to the intense stress of last year when we were homeschooling, but somehow that never quite happens …
Mike has gotten a new job within Cal-OSHA, to begin in March. Rather than being a regular inspector, he is now part of the statewide Process Safety Management (PSM) team. He will report to a boss in Anaheim, and work independently in San Diego, doing mostly preventive inspections of the most potentially hazardous industries. This will free him from a lot of administrative duties that he wasn’t crazy about, and a lot of “sick building syndrome” type inspections that rarely turn up anything.
We went through a lot of soul-searching this year as Mike had the opportunity to be the boss of the Southern California PSM office, but it would have meant moving to Anaheim, and we just weren’t willing, and Mike didn’t want to commute.

So what was my “best and worst” this year, as I’m always asking our kids? My high point had to be going to a conference on Reactive Attachment Disordered (RAD) children in Riverside in January. All the people who developed “holding therapy” and other successful methods of working with RAD kids, going back 30 years, were reunited at this conference. I had such a feeling of being in the presence of greatness, and also of being present at an historic moment.
My other inspiration has been the Character Education program I’m enrolled in at USD. I don’t know about my teaching kids about character, but I know that the program is having a big effect on me. There’s something about being with all these teachers, who are gathered to learn how to teach kids to be good as well as smart, that never fails to move me. It’s the opposite of cynicism; just pure good-heartedness. I’m so used to not trusting, to fighting trivialness and indifference in teachers, and this is a place I don’t have to fight. There have also been a couple of wonderful character education conferences. Seeing the love and genius that has gone into some of these character education school programs has dissolved a lot of bitterness within me
My job with the Julian Charter School, supervising homeschooling families, continues to be interesting and even fun. Our kids are all in school now, but having gotten hooked on homeschooling, we keep at it! The boys are playing piano beautifully, and “Mom’s homework” includes their studying Spanish daily, using a photograph based computer program called Rosetta Stone that we all love (visit their website for a free demo disk at http://www.trstone.com ). We do family reading at dinnertime, alternating between A Child’s History of the World, teen-level biographies of the saints, and children’s literature, currently E. Nesbit. And in the morning we have our family prayer time, in which Mean Mom forces everyone to do memorization, including prayers, poems and a timeline of world history. Maybe this is why I continue my crusade against excessive homework, because my kids already have so much from me!
Check out Forbes magazine this month to see yours truly quoted in an article on homework overload. It’s also available on my updated Parents United for Sane Homework website, http://www.sanehomework.com, which now has links to many fascinating online articles and books on the homework controversy. It’s not my imagination; homework is at an all-time high, as many of these articles detail.
But it’s one of those funny things about life: excessive homework is not exactly my focus now. Recently I couldn’t even recall why, how or when I created the website! I guess I must have been in a fit of frustration over the issue. But then, as usual, I ran out of time, and never submitted it to search engines as planned. But somehow, a few people manage to find it. Lately it seems to be more the hot topic than ever, and I’ve been contacted by a number of journalists.
Another bright spot in my life is that a friend and I have started a women’s support group, in which we meet monthly and pour out our trials and victories. This has been such a blessing, to have friends with whom I can let it all out, and get some valuable feedback.

As for our worst of the year: Mike took a nasty fall from our first story into the basement while he was building a stairway into his new office there. He was in terrible pain, but splinted his arm and finished building the stairway before going to the emergency room! It turned out that his left arm was badly broken, near the wrist. As he was waiting to be casted, he heard his nurse across the room ask the doctor if he would need surgery. The doctor asked, “Is he right-handed or left-handed?” The nurse replied, “right,” and the doctor said, “Aah, to hell with it!” That’s how decisions get made at Kaiser!
Mike was in a cast for two months, and in pain for months after that. Finally he began seeing the same chiropractor who has aided Nick with his headaches. This treatment, including physical manipulation and electric current therapy, has helped him considerably, and the pain and weakness are almost gone.
Another strand of my woes is aging. It’s hard for me to come to grips with not being a young babe anymore. I look in the mirror every day and feel like screaming. It’s like, plastic surgery, hair extensions, face peels, now I can see it all … I mean, how does anyone stand this? And I haven’t even gone through menopause. What am I going to do?
Well, I’ve had a few comforting thoughts. One is that when I am in my ‘80’s, I will be telling myself, “if only I could look like I did at 45!” The other is that maybe I am finally that older woman my husband has always been attracted to.

Kid news: Nick is in 6th grade at Harborside School. He is still obsessed with computers, and recreates in his tree dwelling in the front of our house with his friends. This has been his “year of finally winning.” He won the Boy Scouts Pinewood Derby for Pack 20. Naturally, his dad, who had worked so diligently with him on his race car, was working out of town during the big event. Then, being the overextended family that we are, we goofed and missed the run-off at the Scout Fair. Oh well.
Nick also won the pig chasing contest at Rawhide Ranch summer camp, by being the first out of a pack of boys to catch a large piglet (not an easy task), scoop it up and run with it to the finish line. He also got the Presidential Physical Fitness award at school.
On the downside, at our midyear conference with Nick’s teachers, Mr. Arii described an incident concerning a computer program the kids liked. He had removed it from the computers, but mistakenly left it on one. Nick found it, and somehow copied it over 7,000 times. Mr. Arii said it caused a complete network failure, and almost caused their server to crash. But the teacher said he was sure the stunt “wasn’t malicious,” there were other kids involved (though it was traced to Nick’s computer), and he didn’t think it even warranted a call home. No wonder Nick likes Harborside so much.

Jake is now happily attending third grade at Grant Elementary. Jake is our resident legal mind and moralist. I have heard him lecturing his siblings on some interesting topics, including his personal motto of “the scared ones are the smart ones” (which he came up with himself), why lying is a sin, and why stealing is a sin.
On the other side of the coin, within the space of one particular weekend, Jake: 1) Tried to dye his hair green for St. Patrick’s day, using food coloring. It didn’t work too well, but he did end up with a green cast around his face and hair for several days, which he was quite pleased with. 2) Spent a blissful afternoon trying to light a sandwich on fire.

Nina is now the model kindergartner at St. Vincent’s, bringing home “good news notes” every other day, always on task, brightening everyone’s day with her smiles and affectionate nature. At home, however, it’s a different story. Our sweet, effervescent ray of sunshine is so frequently in a state of upset that Mike and I feel like we’re going to go insane. I finally started saying to her when she falls apart, “Is this the yelling part, the crying part, or the pouting part?”
Yes, the “Nina Cycle” goes something like this: Nina gets mad because somebody else is getting some attention for once. Then a parent says, “Okay Nina, what did you want to say?” By this time, she’s pouting so she won’t talk. So the conversation passes to somebody else, Nina screams, “I didn’t get to say anything!” and the “Nina Cycle” starts all over again!

And then there was the day when I was trying to take a nap and heard a child crying, “Nina’s Mom! Nina’s Mom!” I went outside and discovered that Nina, not wanting to play with a friend from the next street, had locked her in into an empty rabbit cage on the front porch, piling a bunch of items on the lid. I told Nina to NEVER do this again, and had her let the girl out of the cage.
The next thing I knew, Nina showed up holding a big pair of pinking shears and announced happily, “I’m giving Taylor a haircut with these. They don’t cut.” I bolted up from my nap, assured her that they did cut, and put a halt to the operation.
The next thing I heard, as I was trying to sleep while Jake and his friend dramatized battle scenes a few feet from my ear, was a faint sound of distress. I went onto the front porch and found that Nina had tangled a hairbrush in Taylor’s hair and was trying to get it out, while tears streamed out of a moaning Taylor’s eyes …
Then recently, Nina did a beautiful colored pencil drawing, and told me it was a “cheerleader.” (If she learns nothing else at Catholic school, she will have learned about cheerleaders.) Later she added more figures to the drawing. I said, “How great, a group of cheerleaders!” Glaring at me with disgust, she almost yelled, “Mom, would a boy be a cheerleader?!” I guess I did not correctly interpret the gender of her figures.

A few Dad episodes:
Jake wanted a crewcut, and we went to a hairdresser friend’s shop. However, his conception of a crewcut turned out to be different from ours, and he virtually shaved Jake’s head! Jake was devastated, went into seclusion at our house, and vowed not to go outdoors for the entire summer. I was panicked, and tried to mend his hurt by offering any positive thoughts I could … It won’t be too long until it grows back! Many kids have buzzes these days! … and on and on. Jake remained crushed.
Then Mike came home, saw our pathetic son, and started shouting and gesticulating about the hairdresser. “That sonovabitch! I’d like to smash his brains out against a brick wall! Then I’d run him over with my truck!” and so on. I looked on in dismay at what I regarded as an irresponsible and vengeful display. Jake, however, visibly brightened, smiled, sat up straighter, and began to look like his old self. He was clearly comforted by his father’s rage, while my lukewarm rationalizations had accomplished nothing … Ah, the bonds between fathers and sons …
But every once in a blue moon, Dad is the villain …
Nina’s friend Liam was visiting, and they just couldn’t get along. Liam wanted to play inside, and Nina outside … they fought over a suitcase full of Barbies … there seemed to be no end to it. Mike kept patiently working at mediating their fights. Finally we decided it was hopeless, and we’d just put a video on for them while Daria went jogging. As mom put on her jogging shoes, she heard Liam say to Nina, “I’m so mad at your dad.” Nina agreed tearfully, “He’s mean,” and sniffed, “I wish I had your dad.” A few seconds later, they were playing peacefully together, having finally agreed about something. Mom could scarcely contain her glee that for once, a parent other than herself was being unfairly accused and villainized.

Yes, my long-suffering husband now has two moody, emotional women in his life: myself and Nina. Like the other day when Nina came downstairs, sobbing that the boys wouldn’t play Legos with her. I had already been crying to Mike over how fat I am, I can’t fit into any clothes, but I have nothing to live for except the next food I put into my mouth …
I managed to switch gears and give Mike some background on the Legos issue, describing what had already happened that morning, when Nina and the boys had gotten into their first fight. This had culminated with Nina dumping all the Legos out of the huge plastic bin, and hurling the empty bin at Jake. At this mention, Nina started shoving me, shouting that Jake had been the one to dump the Legos, while Mike moved to restrain her.
Then I commented on how poor Mike had two women crying all over him. Nina shrieked at him, “Yes, and it’s all because of you!!” (Now where would she get this idea?) The ridiculousness of that assertion got us laughing … We finally resolved our sorrow by going to Hob Nob Hill for apple pie (why would I have a weight problem?)
This was a particularly happy and symbolic outing because Mike and I used to live around the corner from Hob Nob Hill 17 years ago. However we had so little money that we never once ate there, and still had never gone there. So we had our tiny triumph.

Another time Mike was taking the train back from Los Angeles when a high-schoolish looking girl sat down next to him. They chatted a bit, and she turned out to be one of the background exercisers on the “Bodies By Jake” TV program. She also mentioned that she had a website with various “images” of herself and “an opportunity to go on her next photo shoot to Cabo.” Mike was feeling flattered by her attentions until she tried to get him to join her fan club, for a fee. At some point Mike also said, “Aren’t you afraid of, like, being stalked by somebody?” She replied “Oh, I already have a stalker. And I hired so-and-so to track him down, the same person that (some other star) hired. ”
I guess these days you’re nobody unless you have a stalker and … a flunky! Brother-in-law Vincent Van Patten recently wrote and produced a clever comedy called “The Flunky,” based on a Kato Kaelin type character. We went to the premier screening and saw Kato himself in the audience, looking rather unhappy (though don’t get me wrong, I am a Kato Kaelin fan, and get tired of people putting the guy down …) Before the screening our kids said, “Mom, what is a flunky?” I said, “Weeeell, … maybe it’s somebody who runs errands for somebody else …” I really wasn’t sure. Unfortunately I don’t have hangers-on to flatter me, run errands, etc. In fact, I go through life with this perennial “Where’s my staff?” question in the back of my mind. Am I really supposed to clean the house, take care of the kids, work, study, be beautiful … where the hell is the help?

Fortunately, there is always recreation. Daria’s movie picks for the year are The Patriot (gory but historically informative and heroic) and “Weekend at Bernie’s” (hysterically funny, or maybe I’d had a few drinks). As you can see, we rarely see movies until they’re years old.
Favorite books of the year: Boundaries: When to say YES, When to Say NO, to Gain Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, also Boundaries with Kids by the same authors. These books impart more basic information about human relationships than anything else I’ve ever read. Topics include the difference between “hurting” (sometimes necessary) and “harming,” the difference between “reacting” and “responding,” an elaboration of the “law of reaping and sowing,” and countless other vital distinctions drawn amidst the confusing areas of life.

Well, I’ve gone on too long and didn’t even get to include the account of our summer vacation road trip in which we arrived in Butte, Montana on the same day as the biker rally, or my thoughts on the Clintons. Visit our new family website, under construction, for this and more fights, foibles, and insights from the Doering family. The site will be located at http://www.members.home.net/doeringsx5. We can still be e-mailed at doeringsx5@home.com.