Daria Doering

“Talking with Kids about Love, Sex and Character”

from Why Character Matters by Thomas Lickona

This is the most intelligent and compelling discussion I’ve read on kids and sex.  It contains a lot of themes that have been important in my life, but I’ve never seen written about.  Among them are the emotional hurts caused by immature sex, particularly for girls; the pathetic reasons that people engage in unmarried sex; and the fact that people may end up dealing with the psychological fall-out of youth sex for a good part of their later lives.

The chapter goes into the medical, psychological, moral and societal issues underlying unmarried sex, and the reasons why ethical sexuality needs to be a part of character education.  It contains poignant quotes from many individuals, interesting data from several surveys that suggests that people who abstain from unmarried sex are the happiest with their sex lives, and links to some impressive abstinence programs, particularly “The Game Plan” curriculum by basketball star A.C. Green (www.projectreality.org).

The article discusses our “sexually toxic” society, in which television socializes kids to have sex, the dress and language of kids themselves is increasingly provocative, and often it is girls who are doing the pressuring for sex.  There is some good news, however, in that high school students who are virgins are now in the majority for the first time in 25 years.

There is a long and enlightening list of why teens have sex.  Also a good list of preventive measures, such as teaching kids other ways of being intimate, giving girls a puppy (something to love and be loved by), which decreases pregnancy rates, as does involvement in meaningful community service projects.  Teachers are encouraged to discuss what the world religions say about sex.

One of the best pieces of advice is that parents and educators need to present a positive vision of “why to” abstain, as well as “why not” to indulge.  I found the “why to” list to be even more compelling than the “why not” list.

The chapter contained some surprises for me, including the many quotes from boys and men who did not want to engage in premarital sex, regretted it, or had guilt over having caused pain to girls.  Also the possible detriments of unmarried sex on married sex, including comparisons and flashbacks to other partners.

The biggest surprise was that by the end of reading this, I felt convinced that abstinence is the way to go – a thought that previously was almost inconceivable to me, seemed frightening, and I couldn’t even see giving such advice to my kids.

When I told my husband about reading this, he also surprised me by saying something like, “When I was growing up, it seemed like these rigid, moralistic people were always preaching to us about not having sex, and I didn’t buy it.  But after my own experiences, maybe they were right.”