Daria Doering

RAISING A NONVIOLENT CHILD

by John Rosemond

John Rosemond strikes again, taking aim at youth (“unbridled narcissism”), psychologists (“professional enablers”), schools (“punishment free zones”), feminists (“they’ve transferred their enslavement from men to children”) and more.

In the introduction, he looks at the prevalence of youth violence across the demographic spectrum, and says that “the once mischievous American child has become dangerous, to him or herself and to others.”  He notes that as spanking has decreased, youth violence has increased.

Rosemond rips apart modern psychology, demonstrating how they are essentially blaming biology (genes, “chemical imbalance,” allergies, etc.) or environment (“dysfunctional family,” etc.) for all faulty behavior.  All the causative forces lie outside a child’s control.  In the old-fashioned view, humans are inclined to be selfish, aggressive, lazy, envious and so on, and these impulses need to be mastered, the sooner the better.

“Grandma” cared about a child’s character above anything else, including academics and extracurricular activities.  Every family was a small character and citizenship workshop.  It was felt that if a child did something bad, they needed to feel badly about it, and parents gladly provided assistance!  Grandma realized that obedience is essential to happiness, and is a necessary step before self-control, negotiation skills or even true self-expression can be developed.

Rosemond describes the prevalence among children of behaviors that a few decades ago were unheard of, such as hitting mothers, and temper tantrums well into childhood.  He points out the exact parallels between ADHD and toddler behavior, and asserts that modern parenting has extended toddler behavior indefinitely.

He details the shocking deterioration of manners from his own youth to what we see today, describing today’s youth as the “no fear” generation, (translation: “no respect”).  In fact, it is parents who are afraid of their children!  They are afraid of their children’s misbehavior, afraid of not being loved by their children, afraid of not pleasing their children.  In the scheme of modern parenting, parents do all the pleasing and children are singularly lacking in the desire to please.  “Parents who love weakly generally expect a lot of themselves and relatively little of their children.”

Rosemond describes how “interrupting adults” has infected social intercourse, and that it is considered acceptable for children to interrupt with an “excuse me.”  He describes the old-fashioned version of respect, which dictates that children stand respectfully a few feet from the adult they wish to address, in silence, until the adult acknowledges them.

Probably his most telling anecdote concerns how he walked into a children’s restroom in a school he was speaking at and saw a banner stating “You are looking at one of the most special person in the whole wide world!” hanging above the mirror.  This caused him to reflect on how in reality, people who think they are “special” are obnoxious; nobody can stand them.  Why would we want to encourage our children to feel this way?!  In the past, parents thought it their job to teach modesty and humility.

In fact, overly high self-esteem often leads to bullying and criminal behavior.  Studies have shown that criminals have inflated feelings of self-worth, and that violence tends to result if these unrealistic feelings of self-worth are challenged or threatened.

Rosemond asserts that many cases of ADD are simply due to permissive parenting, and gives examples in which tough consequences for out-of-control behavior produced “miraculous cures” of ADD and ADHD.

Part II of the book describes solutions, including the assertion that outrageous behavior requires outrageous consequences, that “time out” only works with children who are already well behaved.  He says “using time-out’s to deal with outrageous behavior is like trying to stop a charging elephant with a flyswatter.”   Big consequences, such as spending major time in one’s room are needed by out of control children.

He gives a hilarious example of the drawn-out wrangling with a child that many people pass off as “strict” parenting these days; as opposed to truly strict parenting, which involves a minimum of talk and a maximum of consequences.  In the old days, this type of namby-pamby “negotiating” would have been considered nagging.

While not promoting spanking, Rosemond cites studies that demonstrate that “parents who tend to employ spanking (in moderation) as well as other punitive consequences rear the most well-adjusted, well-behaved children.”  He says spanking should be reserved for “outrageous behavior,” and describes the proper way to spank – a few swats on a clothed rear with an open hand.  This is important because spanking with the hand causes the parent’s hand to sting as well as the child’s rear, and aids in not overdoing it.  After the spanking, the parent should hold and reassure the child.

There is a list of 15 behaviors to never allow, divided into the four categories of “manipulative, self-centered behavior,” “rebellious behavior,” “aggressive behavior,” and “destructive, deceitful behavior”; plus prescriptions for dealing with all 15.

Another very useful and thought-provoking part of his philosophy concerns the need for relaxed family time, free of TV, video games and extracurricular activities for children.  He prescribes no more than one after-school activity per week.

For me, reading this book was like a long series of “aha” experiences.  Everything written had the ring of truth, ran counter to current wisdom, and finally made sense of what ails our youth and schools.  All of what he says, after reading it, seems so obvious, and yet is so seldom said.  The book really should be called “Raising a Nonspoiled Child.”

— Daria Doering