Daria Doering

Daria Doering

Education 251

September 23, 2000

Book Review:

Greater Expectations

by William Damon

Greater Expectations is about the core dilemmas that I find myself faced with every day: How tough should we be with our kids?  Should we use those ballyhooed “rewards” and “punishments”?  Exactly how much is it beneficial to ask of children?  Is our society really as sick as it seems, or am I somehow just imagining it?  What has gone wrong?

William Damon has answers, all right, and they are the most thoroughly researched and convincing explanations I’ve heard.  He begins by detailing how every single major indicator of youth well-being and achievement has dropped drastically over the last thirty years.  Among the many possible causes of this appalling decline, the one he believes overrides all others is that society has vastly lowered its expectations for young people’s skills and behavior, and receives much less from youth as a result.

Damon gives a fascinating historic perspective on children, which boils down to the fact that children used to be considered economic commodities, necessary to life on the farm or in the village.  Youngsters used to spend most of their time doing work in the house, barn, or fields, and caring for siblings and the elderly.  “Summer vacation” was created because children were needed for the harvest.  In traditional society, children were given real responsibilities, and their assistance was taken seriously.

Today, exactly the opposite is the case.  “No longer viewed as an essential means to their family’s well-being, children now are seen as an end in themselves, the target of their family’s care and concern.  Parents strive first and foremost to enhance their children’s well-being.  Childrearing has become the family’s primary stated goal.  The modern family exists to provide for the children, and not the other way around.  Rather than expecting economic contributions from their children, families are ready and willing to dedicate an enormous share of their own resources towards childrearing expenses.”  (Damon p. 28)

Damon then goes on to detail the fact that modern children spend virtually all their non-school hours in pleasure-oriented diversions – watching TV, playing video games, hanging around the mall – rather than exploring the world, building skills, or providing service to their families or society.  The vast majority of parents promote this orientation, based on their misguided beliefs that 1) “It’s more trouble than it’s worth” to get kids to do any work, 2) children are too “stressed out” from school to benefit from further demands, 3) children have “a right” to their own time and pursuits, and 4) a reaction against exploitative child labor.

Damon completely disagrees with this viewpoint, for reasons outlined throughout the rest of the book.  As far as child development, he believes that a number of misconceptions have become so prevalent that they have completely and deleteriously changed how children are treated.  Contrary to popular belief, he details that 1) Children thrive on challenges, and are motivated by a “drive for competence.”  2) Children are curious about the mysteries of life and are capable of understanding serious discussions about grave matters.  He thinks children are less likely to be disturbed by calamity by adults, and that censoring or even shading the truth about death or other difficult topics makes children more afraid, not less.  3) Children are resilient, adjust quickly to change and are not easily traumatized.  Damon says that children develop new strengths in the wake of emotionally difficult experiences, and that the adage that a bone is strongest at a place where it was broken has a parallel in psychological development.  4) Children are active interpreters of their own experience.  In other words, children see through a lot, are not easily manipulated or deceived, and are not particularly susceptible to peer pressure or unsavory TV.  If they appear to be influenced, then those tendencies have their roots in far back in the child’s history.

Continuing with his critique of the effects of modern life on children, Damon then describes how in the old days, people lived in small communities, in which the welfare of all citizens was closely tied, and people looked out for each other.  Part of modernization has been a conscious desire for anonymity, for an escape from small town confines, values, and expectations.  This has led to the modern emphasis on the individual and his search for his own satisfaction.  The current incarnation of this elevation of self is the “self-esteem movement,” which Damon excoriates brilliantly.

The basis of his argument is that it is currently taken as an article of faith by parenting and education experts that “self-esteem” is a necessary prior condition for mental health, and the prevention of every problem in the book.  He points out that although healthy self-esteem may be present in high-achieving and healthy children, correlations do not establish causality.  He then goes on to argue that it makes much more sense to assume that self-esteem is the result of high achievement, and points out what an important distinction this is, in terms of what we expect from children.  He asserts that telling a child “you’re terrific” is an abstract concept of the type that children really can’t relate to.  Children need to hear truthful and specific messages referring to their concrete efforts, actions and achievements.  Over-praising creates a mistrust of adults, and ultimately a questioning of self (“Why would they need to pump me up?”) which actually harms a child’s self-esteem!

Damon also details in several contexts how we are encouraging selfishness in our children, and what a disservice this does them.  He describes how only by having a deep respect for other human beings can a child respect herself.  Also that an orientation to service results in a more secure belief in oneself.

The other oft-cited casualty of modernity has been loss of faith, and Damon demonstrates that children’s religiosity is not taken seriously.  He describes a landmark study of children’s adaptation to difficult circumstances, in which religiosity proved to be the only non-negative quality that protected children from risk.  All the other protective factors amounted to an absence of something negative such as drug use, parental conflict, etc.  Damon details several misconceptions about children’s spirituality, and argues that our society discounts children’s need for faith and transcendent belief, to their great disservice.  Not  only teaching about religion but children’s own expressions about faith, the deepest mysteries of life, and dealing on a spiritual level with their deepest hurts have been effectively stamped out of the classroom. In commenting on religiously-inspired political strife, Damon says “The protests are heard by young people not as protecting religious freedom but as discouraging the very idea of faith.  And they are based on a wholly fallacious notion: that young people need to be shielded from expressions of other people’s beliefs.”  (Damon p. 92)

Lastly, the part of the book which I found the most helpful concerns how children are most effectively motivated.  On one side of the ledger are those who promote a “no rewards, no punishments” philosophy.  They believe that rewards and punishments only foster immediate compliance; and that what matters, in the long run, is for children to internalize learning and positive values, through reasoning and persuasion.  On the opposite side are authoritarian parents who believe in requiring children to comply with behavioral and learning expectations, in obedience to authority.  The main compliance devices they use are power assertion and withdrawal of love, both variations of punishment or the threat of punishment.

Damon agrees that ultimately, the only thing that does matter is what children internalize.  However, he cites psychological studies that show that neither force alone nor persuasion alone can lead to internalization.  What is needed is a combination of informational internalization or “induction,” and “minimally sufficient” force or rewards, leading to both immediate compliance and long-term internalization.

Induction is explaining to children the reasons for the standards of behavior and learning that are desired.  This can be in terms of the effects of a child’s behavior on other people; or defining the purpose of the desired action in terms of learning, service, aesthetics, or whatever.  However, induction by itself, or parents or teachers simply explaining in a dispassionate way, will not capture the child’s attention.

The child needs to be placed in a state of “optimal emotional arousal” in order to hear the message.  This is done through employing just enough power assertion or withdrawal of love to get the child to notice.  The amount is critical.  If parents or teachers impose too harsh a punishment, the child will remember the punishment rather than the point that the parent or teacher was attempting to get across. If the reward is too great, studies have shown that this will detract from the perceived value of the activity being promoted.

Lastly, compliance is indispensable if internalization is to take place.  If compliance is not required, the child may not, on her own, ever decide to try out the desired behavior or learning.

I was deeply impressed by this thoroughly researched and documented analysis of the disciplinary needs of children.  How much inner turmoil I have endured in making disciplinary decisions, and how many hours I have debated these issues with other adults.  This book put most of my questions to rest, and validated what I have felt to be true.  It also gave me a needed push in the “explaining” direction, which I’ve known I was weak in, but until now didn’t have the inner motivation or understanding to do enough about.  The author has my deepest gratitude for this profound book.