I was born to a family that was obsessed with psychology. I think years of psychotherapy was the main thing my parents had in common. However I was brought up very permissively, with little training in social skills, have always been a shy person and struggled with friendships, and have dealt with depression all my life. From the ages of 17-27 I lived in a therapeutic community. After that I married and had three children, so I had the privilege of struggling with marriage and parenting as well as the rest. I went to several therapists for brief intervals.
Until a recent short interval, I’ve never taken psychotropic drugs or even considered it. I’ve search high and low for solutions to my difficulties, and found a number of approaches that have helped immensely, as listed below and in the “mental health” links.
I got into the field of “attachment” due to parenting struggles, and have studied both attachment parenting and attachment disorder extensively. I now believe that attachment is the basis of all mental health. Attachment starts with a baby’s attachment to his mother, and continues with attachments to family, friends and society. The society we live in is extremely anti-attachment, with many children growing up in daycare, and kids interacting with TV’s and computers rather than human beings. Separateness is also considered a sign of affluence, with a separate room for each children seen as desirable. Divorce is almost the norm, and extended family generally do not live together. All of the above is detrimental to mental health. Permissive parenting can also cause attachment disorder.
“Personality Types” theory helped me greatly; in fact almost more than any therapy. I learned that a lot of what I had considered my “problem” was merely my melancholic personality type. We still need to strive to be well-rounded people, but understanding your personality type will help you understand your tendencies; what you can change and what you can’t.
Constructive Living is a combination of the Japanese therapies of Naikan and Morita. These are very different from Western therapies, and have changed my thinking completely. Naikon is about structured self-reflection, consisting of systematically reflecting on all your relationships at all points of your life, and asking yourself three questions about each relationship: 1) What did this person give to me? 2) What did I give to this person? 3) What trouble did I cause this person? (They figure we already over-focus on what trouble other people have caused us!) The result is a realization of all the people and systems who have supported us at all points in our lives, even when things were worst, and a focus on thankfulness – toward people, organizations, and also toward all the objects that make our lives easier, and the people who designed, built and delivered the objects. Profound!
Morita therapy has as its basic premise that reality is always teaching us, and that we need to accept our feelings, but focus on our objectives, and right behavior. That we can’t control our feelings, and Western therapy mistakenly focuses on trying to produce good feelings. You can’t do that – you can only focus on right action, which will likely lead to pleasant feelings eventually.
There is a big emphasis on the importance of one’s attention, and the need to turn attention outward, toward appreciation of life and concern for others. Practitioners of Morita therapy feel that many mental illnesses (depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc.) are caused or exacerbated by self-centeredness, and that Western therapy, with its focus on how you feel and changing how you feel, is the opposite of what is needed.
For me, these concepts have rung so true, and been so helpful. I had never before so fully realized what a huge problem self-centeredness is; how it worsens depression and interferes with relationships.
Amazingly, the traditional therapist I’ve found that agrees the most with the above is Richard Carlson, author of the “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” books plus many others. I highly recommend his book, Shortcut Through Therapy, which is the one I’ve read so far.
The approach in a nutshell: we can’t control our feelings, so don’t try; we can control our thoughts to a great extent, so practice that; we absolutely control our actions, so that is the best place to focus.”
This page has the following sub pages.
Daria Doering 
Leave a Reply