Daria Doering

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

By John Gottman

Love this book!  I bought it years ago but never read it, and picked it up this time after seeing it mentioned in a newspaper article.  It is based on observation, and is the most “scientifically based” of all the books on relationships.  I’ve outlined the book, below.  For each principle, the book has examples and extensive questionnaires, sample dialogues, and other options to help you improve in that area.

Signs of divorce in the future:

1)      “Harsh setup.”  The way that a discussion starts is almost always the way it will end.  It is worth planning how to bring up issues in a non-antagonizing way.

2)      “Four horsemen of the apocalypse” – common types of lethal negativity, that generally happen in the same order (these are much more damaging to a marriage when the man does them):

1. Criticism
   1. Instead of criticism, “complaining” is okay – this would be about an issue, not the person (his/her personality, character, etc.)
2. Contempt – sarcasm, cynicism, etc.
3. Defensiveness – excusing oneself; really a way of blaming the other person.
4. Stonewalling – disengaging emotionally to avoid attacks from mate – almost always done by a male, not a female

3)      Flooding – feeling so attacked that all a person can think about is getting away.

1. Body goes into stress mode – increased heart rate, sweating
2. Any chance of productive discussion or solving an issue is gone
3. Men react physically much more easily than women and take longer to recover
4. It takes 20 minutes to recover
5. The best way to recover is to do something distracting: read, watch TV, etc.

4)      Failed repair attempts – it is very important to recognize and accept “repair attempts” – humor, apology, trying to get a discussion back on track, anything that works for a couple.  They may not be “sugarcoated” (and thus might be hard to recognize), but really don’t need to be.

5)      Bad memories – rewriting the past in a way that leaves out anything positive and accentuates the negative

Principles for Making Marriage Work:

1)      Enhance your love maps – basically, know a lot about your partner.  People with good marriages know a tremendous amount about their mate’s history and present life: pleasures, stresses, dreams, friends.

2)      Nurture your fondness and admiration – basically, respect and appreciate your mate.

3)      Turn toward each other instead of away.  Small, seemingly mundane daily interactions are highly important, because they mean you’re connecting.  People make “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support.  They either respond or not.  When they do, it fills the couple’s “bank account” to get them through hard times.

1. Don’t give unsolicited advice.
2. Take your mate’s side.
3. Build a “we against others” mentality.

4)      Let your partner influence you.  This is where I think we fall down somewhat, or he does.

1. Women generally let their husbands influence them.  It is almost always the men who do not let their wives influence them.
2. If a man does not let his wife influence him, even if it’s just part of the time, there is an 81% chance the marriage will end in divorce or be damaged.
3. Happiest marriages: husband shares power and decision making.  When the couple disagrees, husband looks for common ground rather than trying to get his own way.
4. Read story on first page of the chapter.
5. If a man, despite trying, is unable to yield to his partner, that’s a sign of an “unsolvable” or “perpetual” problem (read further).

5)      Solve your solvable problems.  Most common:

1. Most common: job stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, becoming parents (book has section about each)
2. How to solve them:
   1. Soften your setup
   2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (book has lists of repair attempt “scripts,” in the following categories):
      1. Say how you feel
      2. Ask for support
      3. Apologize
      4. Partially agree
      5. Ask for a break
      6. Express appreciation
   3. Soothe yourself and each other.  Discuss with your mate the best ways to do this.  Possibilities:
      1. Take a break
         1. At least 20 minutes – this is how long it takes the body to recover from flooding
         2. Do something pleasant and distracting – read, watch TV
         3. Crucial to avoid “thoughts of righteous indignation” and “innocent victimhood”
         4. Massage each other
   4. Compromise.  Cornerstone is accepting your mate’s influence.  Rigidity is a liability.
      1. Method: each person draw two concentric circles.  In the inner circle, list aspects of an issue that you can’t give in on.  In the outer circle, list aspects that you could compromise about.  It will be a challenge to separate the two.
   5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults.  Conflict resolution is not about “changing” your spouse, but negotiating, finding common ground, and finding ways to accommodate each other.

6)      Overcome gridlock (this is how you deal with “unsolvable” or “perpetual” problems”)

1. All marital problems are either solvable or “perpetual” – you fundamentally disagree – which means they will be part of your life, in some form, forever.
2. All marriages will have “perpetual” problems – the smart thing is to choose a mate with whom your “perpetual problems” are the least destructive.
3. Most marital problems are perpetual: 69%.
4. The goal is to move from gridlock to good-natured dialog.  You need to establish an initial compromise that will allow you to keep discussing and working on the issue.
5. It will probably never be completely solved, but you want to “declaw” it, or reach a compromise that will mean it is no longer a source of great pain, you can live with it peacefully.
6. Perpetual problems can be either profound or mundane.
7. Gridlock is a sign that you have life dreams that are not being addressed or respected by your mate.
8. Dreams are often “hidden,” and may be hard to consciously realize and articulate.  They are often connected to one’s past joys or hurts.  “Hidden dreams” often fuel conflicts.
9. Solution is to become a “dream detective.”  Dreams need to be brought out and discussed: what are your wants, needs, what does a dream mean to you, what does it symbolize?  Writing about them is often a good idea.
10. Partners need to support each other’s dreams.

7)      Create shared meaning

1. Family rituals
2. Personal and shared goals
3. Shared symbols – surrounding yourselves with things that represent the values and beliefs you share.

Marriage Maintenance – “Magic Five Hours”

1)      Partings – before you part in the morning, make sure you have learned about at least one thing that your mate will be facing that day.

2)      Reunions – have a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation at the end of each work day.

3)      Admiration and appreciation – find some way to express this each day.

4)      Affection – physical – important

5)      Weekly date